


Sex Sent Me To The Motherfuckin' ER

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Bedroom Mishaps, Crack, Dick Biting, F/M, Humanstuck, M/M, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-18
Updated: 2014-03-18
Packaged: 2018-01-16 06:10:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1334947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Things don't always go as planned when sex is involved. The Makaras would have to learn this the hard way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sex Sent Me To The Motherfuckin' ER

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Unhealthydoctors](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unhealthydoctors/gifts).



> Based on [this](http://unhealthyterminals.tumblr.com/post/76986204542/b-i-didnt-motherfucker-didnt-ask) (nsfw)

A ferocious looking man with wild blond hair was perched in his chair, sending an irritated look to the camera. The words “Alistair Makara” captioned the bottom left corner next to him.

“So,” the interviewer began “Why don’t you tell us your story?”

With a groan, the hulking man straightened himself in his seat. “Well ya see,” he grumbled out “It was your average motherfuckin’ day at the office.”

As he began talking, the scene faded out to a reenactment of the events.

“I own the place, ya dig?” He explained “It’s my law firm.”

“Well,” he continued “One day I was talkin’ with one a my employees. A real crazy bitch, ya know?”

The camera zoomed in on a snide looking woman in a well-tailored suit, talking with the man being interviewed.

“We were just discussin’ business or whatever other shit we had to talk about, when we started getting our mack on,” As he said this, the actors started kissing passionately (probably more tamely than what actually happened).

“And then I was like, ‘suck my motherfuckin’ cock!’ And she was all” The man paused pensively. “Alright I don’t fuckin’ remember what she said. That ain’t important.”

The camera panned behind the actor portraying Alistair, and showed the woman getting on her knees from the gap between his legs.

“And then what happened?” The interview asked.

“Well,” he continued “I was down with the idea of gettin of getting pleased, ya feel?”

“But then this bitch just motherfuckin bites my dick!” He all but screamed at the camera, nearly jumping out of his seat with the statement.

The actor portraying him howled in pain, falling backwards into his desk as the woman took off cackling maniacally. She exited the room, as the camera zoomed in on the man rocking back and forth on the floor in excruciating pain.

“So,” The interviewer began “Why did she do it?”

“Fuck if I know!” He answered, throwing up his hands. “Bitch is nuts!”

“Well, what happened after that?” They asked.

“What the fuck do you think?” He said rolling his eyes “I went to the motherfuckin’ hospital!”

“And we presume you made a full recovery?”

“Fuck yeah I did! I still got the scars. Wanna see?” he smirked, standing up.

“No, sir that won’t be necessary-“

The scene cut out just as Alistair Makara was about to finish pulling down his pants.

* * *

 

 A woman with wavy brown hair and striking red sunglasses waved to the camera, the words “Adrianna Pyrope” captioned next to her.

“So, care to give us your side of things?’ The interviewers asked her.

She laughed in response.

“Well, you see we were both _really_ drunk,” she answered. “Office sex wasn’t exactly uncommon at firm. So when Alistair was like,” She straightened herself in her chair, and in her best manly voice said “’suck my motherfuckin cock!’ I was like sure why not?”

“So ya know,” she continued “I got down on my knees and all that. And it might have been the alcohol talking, but I figured I might as well give him a nip. Just a playful bite, you know?”

“But then he starts like, screaming and bleeding everywhere,” she explained “And I guess I didn’t know my own strength.” She said with a smirk.

“So why did you just leave him there?” The interviewer questioned.

“’Cuz it was fucking hilarious!” The woman answered, erupting into laughter.

“I see…. Well, thank you for your time, Miss Pyrope.”

“Say?” She asked, leaning forward “Did he show you the scars?”

* * *

 

Two young men were seated in front of the camera. The first was tall blonde boy with wild curls and piercings and a carefree expression on his face. Next to him was a nervous looking teen with a mohawk, fidgeting in his seat. The words “Gamzee & Tavros” were positioned at the bottom of the screen.

“Are you uh, sure this is alright?” The nervous looking one asked.

“It’s fine! You both signed the waivers, right?” The crew assured him.

“Well, yes but I-“

“Alright,” they cut him off “so what brings you two here today?”

“Gamzee I’m having second thoughts abou-“

“Well ya see,” Gamzee interrupted “It was this motherfucker’s birthday,” he said gesturing to himself.

The scene cuts to a reenactment of two teenagers laughing in front of a cake on a table, having just finished their own rendition of “happy birthday.”

“Well, this little motherfucker,” Gamzee said ruffling Tavros’s hair “Promised me some miraculous bedroom happenings.”

“Gamzee are you sure we should be talking abou-“

“But ya see,” Gamzee continued unabashed “The poor motherfucker had a wicked nasty cold.”

“Oh god,” Tavros doubled over, burying his face in his hands.

The scene cuts to the two men in a bedroom, the blond one on the bed with the brunet on his knees between his legs.

“But this sweet motherfucker didn’t want to all up and disappoint a brother on his birthday,” Gamzee explained. “So he insisted on gettin’ my please on, ya feel?”

Tavros turned a bright shade of red, attempting further to conceal his face.

“So he tried gettin’ his oral miracles on, ya know? But then…” The man on the floor started shaking, trying to pull away from between his lover's legs. But before he could, his body convulsed with the force of a sneeze. The unfortunate male above him shrieked in pain, tumbling backwards onto the mattress, knocking his lover to the floor in the process.

“Yeah….” Gamzee trailed off.

“L-look!” Tavros shouted, revealing his reddened face “It was an accident! I didn’t mean to and…oh god Gamzee I’m so sorry I just….”

“Hey, wait,” He paused his rambling, eyes widening. “This is going on TV, right? What if dad and Rufioh-!”

The camera cut to Alistair Makara, fully clothed.

“I tried to warn the motherfucker,” he said shrugging.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even know anymore.


End file.
